Despite not celebrating Christmas, I find myself in a full state of grief.
Some point out that’s strange because I don’t have any attachments to the holiday season but to them, I say you could not be more wrong.
The holiday season is universally known as a time for togetherness and family. And I’ve grown up experiencing this my whole life regardless of what cultural celebration we take part in. Each December as everyone would gather in our homes, we spent time as families and felt and embraced love.
As I’ve gotten older, and lost more members of my family, the holiday season seemed duller and duller each year. Then came the loss of my dad, which for some reason this year I’m grieving harder during this Christmas period.
How Christmas time feels after entering adulthood.
Recently, I’ve found myself entering adulthood and had lots of moments realising ‘I’m never going to be a kid again’ and that truly sucks. I keep reminiscing over simpler times and memories of a teenage self hanging out with my family and realise that’s all in the past. But for some reason this year, I can’t escape the memories of my dad around the holiday season.
My dad adored this season, because he was a man who loved spending each second of his time with his family and creating joy despite his constant sickness.
I remember him announcing the TV schedule for the holidays so he could record the Christmas movies on the VM box, I remember joining him on the sofa whilst the fireplace is on to watch the specials. Watching Wallace and Gromit, The Snowman, and all the Pixar movies. I remember him taking photos of us whilst eating our roast dinner and being amazed by the charcuterie board selection at the dinner table.
December also reminds me of my dad’s health deteriorating.
I think because his third death anniversary is just a few months away, I’m holding on to these memories to keep me in higher spirits instead. After all it doesn’t matter what festivity people celebrate, at the end of the day it’s all about celebrating love and joy.
And my late father taught me that the holidays is another time to make the most of family and create memories.
I’m lucky to say that I’ve had twenty years of joy that I’m able to maximise these pleasant memories to last me for the future!
I know this holiday period is difficult, I hope you can recall on the pleasant memories you’ve experienced from before and allow yourself to openly welcome your grief, after all it really is just all the unexpressed love we didn’t get to share.